Why is your ex-partner so tempting?

Today I was asked the question: why do we go back to our ex-partners? Why do they seem so attractive?

You’re a good picker

If you fancied them before they were strong, independent women or secure, confident men, then you’re sure as hell going to fancy them now they are.

People do improve with time

People either improve with time, or wither and die under the pressure of living. It has to be better to learn from mistakes and grow with the experiences than to internalise them to the point where you become invisible to the world.

It takes a long time to develop every part of you and make yourself whole. If your ex has managed to go that way, all the better for them, but don’t expect them to go for you if you’re still exhibiting the same habits that you did the last time they knew you.

Better the devil you know

This only applies to the most recent of ex-partners, because the changes mentioned above can happen quickly. Sometimes returning to relative safety is better than no safety. Sometimes we just weren’t ready to leave yet.

Letting go and allowing people to move on into their own walk of life is just as important as being able to commit; it’s just not recognised like that when emotional upheaval comes to town.

They used to find you attractive so they will now

Good luck with that. I know I’ve always looked for what’s on the inside when it’s come to men; they become less attractive when they stop being nice to me. It’s just happy chance if they are also buff, but even if they are, they still become unattractive when they are no longer nice to me.

If your ex rates body before inner beauty, and you’ve kept in shape, I guess there’s a chance this one is true.

If you’re unconfident about your body, you may want to address that before trying someone new or an ex-partner. Why knowingly inflict your solvable insecurities on someone else and expect them to make everything better? Having a relationship is not a panacea for everything that is wrong with you. It definitely isn’t validation, because some people will shag anything. You can totally only make some things better for yourself.

And when I say ‘address that’, I don’t mean get down to the gym – no-one’s judging anyone here – but you gotta accept who you are; that’s where proper confidence comes from.

You don’t feel that it was properly over

It’s one thing if both of you feel that, but if it’s only you, it might be best to stand back and see if the ex steps forward.

When something seems not to be properly over, there are probably ‘issues’ that weren’t dealt with. Rejection, domestic violence, and bullying are just a few of the shitty hang-ups we can come out of relationships with.

Resolving issues and things that have happened takes time, whether you talk them over with your ex, or are left to dwell on them by yourself.

Sometimes it’s just tough-titties.

A bit of time put aside for self-analysis can be useful, as long as it doesn’t spill over into your me-time.

Should you ever attempt ‘going back with’ your ex?

I personally don’t make a habit of going back to my ex’s because I don’t usually leave a relationship until the absolute bitter end. I pretty much never want to see them again in those circumstances. I think you could call them ‘resolved’ relationships by that point.

Unresolved relationships,  however, may have far more potential for future trysts, so they’re no less likely to succeed, as long as each person has built on what they already had.

That way everyone has something new to bring to the table.

I hope that answered the question 😉

Maggie Moon

Image c/o abbatotjunc1.blogspot.com

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